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Seema
seemag
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February 2016
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Seema [userpic]
New fic -- Grey's Anatomy

Because I have *such* a soft spot for Addison. She gets to stand up for herself (well, a wee bit) in the aftermath of the Superbowl episode. Obviously, spoilers for both "The End of the World" and "As We Know It". Derek/Addison, and a wee, wee bit of Derek/Meredith.



Back to Good
By Seema (seemag1@yahoo.com)

Author's note: Takes place immediately after the events of "The End of the World" and "As We Know it."

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Shonda Rimes.

****

Addison Shepard leaned forward, blowing her warm breath against her hands. She'd been sitting on the porch for more than an hour now, despite the increasingly cold wind coming from the north. At least it wasn't raining. It was a beautiful night, clear, and here, away from the city lights, she could see thousands of stars decorating the night sky. She shivered, hunching her shoulders forward, and bending her head. She could go into the trailer and get warm, but today, she just wanted to be out in wide open spaces.

She'd sat out here at least a hundred times -- had it really been that many days since she'd left New York and came to Seattle? -- waiting for Derek, listening to the sounds of the night, and wondering what it was he liked so much about being so far away from civilization. This trailer, this setting -- it was light years away from the life they'd shared together in New York, but then, maybe that was the point. Addison stood up, wiggling her toes in her leather boots, just as the bright headlights of Derek's Range Rover turned into the drive. Hugging herself, she walked to the driver's side door, standing a few feet away so he could get out.

"Hey," she said. She hated how her voice sounded, a little high-pitched at the end, as if she were a seventh grade girl waiting for her crush to ask her out to the dance.

"Hi." Derek pulled his bag from the SUV. "Sorry I'm late. Something came up."

"No doubt," Addison said without a trace of irony. "Crazy day. It's not every day you get a patient who is literally a ticking time bomb."

"Yeah." He watched her rubbing her hands together. "How long have you been sitting out here?"

"About an hour. Give or take."

"Any particular reason?"

"No." Addison shrugged. "I wanted the fresh air, to breathe it in, to remind myself how lucky I am. How lucky we are, the hospital. The outcome, terrible as it was that we did lose the two bomb squad guys, it could have been so much worse, so much more devastating."

"Yes."

The terseness of his response caught Addison's attention. "I worried about you," she said quietly.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. None of it is." Addison bit her lip. "I, however, have much to apologize, but then, what's new?" She laughed hesitantly, another manifestation of the seventh grade girl. She hated, that after more than a decade of knowing this man, of being *married* to her, that he still had the ability to bring all of her insecurities to the surface and letting them simmer there. "It's all I seem to be doing these days." The breeze ruffled through her hair, whipping a strand or two across her face. She exhaled strongly, blowing the hair out of her face.

"Addison--"

She held up her hand, effectively pre-empting him. "I snapped at George this afternoon, because all he wanted to do was help, and I couldn't hear him because I was too worried about you, about Bailey, about the Chief. And I thought, I can't hold it together. This is the moment when it finally, finally crashes down on me. This is it, this is the end. And he's an intern, he's someone I should be helping and I couldn't." She paused for a moment, looking off into the distance, at the graceful firs that formed dark triangles against the night sky. "I couldn't even help myself."

"It was a difficult and unprecedented situation."

"*I* wasn't the one in an OR next to a bomb. That was you." Addison tipped her head to the side. "For what it's worth, I'm proud of you for not leaving Bailey's husband on the table. I'm proud you didn't run, even when every inch of me was screaming for you to." She took a step towards him.

"I couldn't do it," Derek said. His voice sounded hoarse, and he wasn't looking at her. Addison shivered, but this time, it wasn't because of the cold. "Leaving Bailey's husband wasn't even an option."

"I know it wasn't. That's--" she hesitated for a moment "-- a quality about you I've always admired, from day one, that you put the patient first, regardless." It sounded trite, but at least the words filled the distance between them. Maybe, Addison thought with a tinge of bitterness, Derek would actually *hear* what she was saying.

"You're the same way," Derek said and she thought, in the dim light, she could see his expression soften, that he was looking at her the way he once had. She caught her breath, and thought she could hold on to this moment, or she could risk losing it all. "You would have done the same thing, if you were the one in the OR."

"I don't know what I would have done," Addison said truthfully. "I think you can think about what you'd do, what you should do, but when you're not actually in the situation--" she shrugged. "Adrenaline takes over, makes your decisions for you."

"I guess that's why Meredith did what she did."

Addison looked directly at her husband. He'd provided the opening, and as much as the truth could hurt, Addison knew she couldn't let the opportunity slide, to let Derek knew *she* knew.

"When you saw Meredith, how was she?" she asked softly.

Derek jerked. "What?"
Addison glanced at her watch. "You got off shift hours ago. You obviously went somewhere." She held up her hand once again. "I'm not accusing you of anything, Derek. I just want to know. How is she doing?"

Derek cleared his throat. "Um, she's doing good. Relatively speaking. For watching two guys get blown up. She's holding up well."

Addison remembered the moment she heard the explosion, heard the Chief say two people were dead, and his words had seemed so far away, a distant echo. "But Derek is fine, Addy, Derek is fine," Chief had told her twice, his hands resting firmly on her shoulders. She'd leaned against the wall, closing her eyes, and taking deep breaths. Derek was be all right, *it* would be all right, she'd thought at the time. After all, what was the point of a second chance if there was no happily ever after to go along with it?

"I can't imagine how terrifying it was for you, for all of you," Addison said, trying to keep her tone evenly modulated. She'd been playing at 'understanding' for the last few months; another go at it wouldn't kill her, but she couldn't deny that it still hurt.

"I tried not to think about it," Derek said. He glanced towards the trailer. "You must be cold." And then he said, "Have you eaten? I picked a sandwich up earlier."

Addison pressed her lips into a thin line, deciding not to think about the chicken breasts and the bottle of wine she'd picked up on her way home in anticipation of a celebratory dinner. Her inner seventh grader berated her: You should have known better. "I'm not hungry," Addison said more calmly than she actually felt.

"Okay." Derek slung his bag over his shoulder and took a step towards the trailer. Addison waited a second and then put her hand gently on his forearm. The touch startled him, and he spun around. Addison thought about how unnatural his reaction was, the expression on his face telling her that just the mere pressure of her fingers against him was unwelcome. She swallowed hard.

"You called me the 'Queen of the Land of Passive-Aggressiva' and maybe I am, but 'denial' is probably the kingdom better suited for me. You told me you love her, and I agreed to wait, to let it pass." Addison let out a half-laugh, somewhat uncomfortably. "I just need to know if there's a reason for me to wait, Derek." She waited a few seconds before turning to face him. He was standing there, bathed in the warm glow of light from the trailer, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans, his jacket open, revealing the button-down shirt beneath. The wind ruffled his hair. "I'm not angry you went to see her," Addison said. "God knows, I gave up that right when I slept with Mark. I just need to know if we're okay--" she hated that she had to ask for validation nearly every day "--if we're going to make it."

"I don't know the answer to that question."

"I want to know if you're trying as hard as I am, if you want this marriage to work as much as I do," Addison said. "I can't be the only one holding us together. That's what I figured out today. In all of the chaos, the one thing I wanted to be certain of is if our positions were reversed, would you feel how I felt? That the world was collapsing in on me, that I couldn't breathe, and I thought my heart would leap right out of my chest if anything had happened to you. You can say you don't know, but I *know*. And that's why I need you to tell me why you're giving me a second chance if you're not in it, one hundred percent." She glanced at the door to the trailer and then turned her attention back to Derek. "You don't have to tell me now," she said. "But soon. I don't want to waste my time or yours." She took a step towards the door. "I still have the divorce papers."

She was halfway to the door when Derek called her name.

"I told you," he said, "I don't want to leave you."

"That's not the same as wanting to stay with me," Addison said softly. She laid her hand gently on the door knob, the metal cold to her touch. Then she turned slowly to face Derek again. "I worried about you," she said, and then she went inside, shedding her jacket on the kitchen table. She decided the moisture in her eyes was due to the cold wind blowing in from the north.

~ the end

Comments

I realize you have no idea who I am, but I stumbled across this story and I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed it. I love Addison/Derek and you captured their relationship so well and what it is about this couple that's most likely headed for heartbreak. I especially liked the last line--it really sums up Addison and how hard she works to hide feeling vulnerable.

Thanks so much for your feedback! You're actually the first Addison/Derek fan I've 'met' (g). And yes, it's rather obvious they're heading for heartbreak, but so many questions -- how did they get to here from there, for instance -- that I hope are addressed before the inevitable.

I'd love for them to live happily ever after, but when the writers are cutting out their scenes because they have too much chemistry, it doesn't make me very optimistic *sigh*. But I would love to see a glimpse of what made each of them "the love of my life", or a bit of backstory. And if they do break up, I'd like to see Addison stick around anyhow. She's too great a character to go back to New York and never be heard from again.

I've only met a handful of Addison/Derek fans so far, but there are quite a few more out there. I'm surprised at the following this pairing has--I'm used to being the only one supporting my couples!

Are the writers really cutting their scenes because of the chemistry? That's a shame. I too would very much love to see the backstory, and I really want to see them work on the marriage. It'd be way too easy (and I'd hate it too) if Derek just went back to Meredith without even trying. I mean, he's just been passive-aggressive this entire time, and not putting forth any kind of effort; what's that all about? I don't really care for Meredith, but Derek's not too high on the list either.

And I'm seeing more and more people liking Addison on the Grey's Writers blog and even a few people advocating that she and Derek stay together. I think it's pre-ordained that Derek and Meredith end up together, but I'm hoping it's not anytime soon!

Kate Walsh said in an interview that they shot some scenes with Derek and Addison that ended up getting taken out because they had too much chemistry. And someone on the writers blog said that there were some extra Derek/Addison scenes in the trailer that weren't used, but might be used in future episodes (I think this was for episode 3.16). If this is true, it's not really fair. Cutting out Derek/Addison scenes isn't going to make Derek/Meredith a better couple. If they can't be a great couple in their own right, they shouldn't be a couple at all.

I don't hate Meredith, but I don't think she's good with Derek. What she really needs is to move on (although Derek hasn't been making that easy for her, which is unfair to both her and Addison), be single for awhile, and then start a new relationship with someone who's actually honest with her and doesn't go for months without telling her that he's actually married.

Last Sunday's episode did make me a little more hopeful for Derek/Addison. I had pretty much convinced myself that they were going to break up due to the "come to terms with their relationship" spoiler, so I was pleasantly surprised to see Derek actually notice Addison for once and even admit to his share of the problems in their marriage. The bit where Mer and Der were in surgery and Mer asked Derek if he thought Natalie Cole's character and her husband would really move to Paris, and Derek looked up into the gallery for Addison and said "I hope so" made me ridiculously happy.

Cutting out Derek/Addison scenes isn't going to make Derek/Meredith a better couple. If they can't be a great couple in their own right, they shouldn't be a couple at all.

I agree. The thing about Meredith and Derek is that they are *so* bad for each other in so many ways. Everyone thinks they share a deep abiding love for each other, and they may definitely have a strong chemistry, but they both have a lot of growing up to do. Derek's immaturity shows in his indecisiveness and the fact he clearly held something back from Meredith. Meredith has an inability to stop sleeping with 'inappropriate' men while she's desperately seeking to fill the void left by a stern mother and an absent father.

TO me, it'd be more satisfying (though not the outcome I'd want) if Meredith and Derek got together *after* Derek and Addison made a concentrated effort to save their marriage. Without that effort, it's like why bother in the first place? My guess is that the writers *are* going to make an effort. They like Kate Walsh and Addison way too much to let her go, and Derek's brief flare up of jealousy when he saw Addison talking to another man was pretty telling (considering he didn't show that when Mark showed up, unless you count leaving the elevator).

I had pretty much convinced myself that they were going to break up due to the "come to terms with their relationship" spoiler, so I was pleasantly surprised to see Derek actually notice Addison for once and even admit to his share of the problems in their marriage.

I agree. I very much liked this and that makes me optimistic. THat scene combined with the 'Paris' one, and the laughing over the poison oak.

The bit where Mer and Der were in surgery and Mer asked Derek if he thought Natalie Cole's character and her husband would really move to Paris, and Derek looked up into the gallery for Addison and said "I hope so" made me ridiculously happy.

It surprised me because I honestly thought he'd look at Meredith when he said 'I hope so' and instead, he was looking up at Addison. As if he was searching her out and kind of realizing what he really wanted and needed -- that he'd checked out, that time was wasting, and maybe he wanted to try *really* try again.

I also find it significant this scene was prior to the revelation re George. I've read a lot of comments where people say the revelation about George was what made Derek turn back to Addison and apologize, but truly, he'd already been shifting towards Addison during the surgery, and I think George was the final nail in the coffin. As if Derek realized the Meredith made an error in judgement, and perhaps he was contributing to that by leading her on, or maybe it was simply that she no longer had any benchmark as to what is and isn't appropriate.

Or something.

Even before Addison showed up, I didn't think she and Derek had all that much of a relationship, and certainly not the makings of true love. It was mostly sexual, from what I remember, and if Derek didn't tell Meredith that he was married then how serious could he have been about her? I still can't really understand why Meredith forgave him for that omission, because that's a big secret to keep. I do think that Derek likes Meredith because she looks up to him and calls him McDreamy, which has to be flattering, especially after Addison's betrayal, but it just doesn't seem like enough to base an entire relationship on, or justify ending eleven years of marriage for.

I watched Derek and Addison in 2.02 the other day, and what Addison said to him in that episode was pretty much what Derek admitted to last week, that they got busy and stopped paying attention to each other and Mark was more of a symptom of their problems than the root of them. Derek wasn't ready to hear any of that back then, so it was good to see that he's finally ready to take his share of responsibility for what happened. Addison was definitely in the wrong for sleeping with Mark, but she probably wouldn't have done it if she'd been getting what she needed from Derek.

I think Derek saw some similarities between Meredith's sleeping with George and Addison's infidelity with Mark. Both of them had made a bad decision by sleeping with someone they shouldn't have, and in the process had hurt someone they cared very much about. I saw Derek's advice that Meredith keep apologizing to George until he was ready to listen to her as a recognition that that was what Addison had been doing with him, and he was finally ready to listen to her. I think you're right about Derek already starting to turn towards Addison before the talk with Meredith, though, that seemed to come about between Natalie Cole and her husband and seeing Addison with her patient's husband.

Afterall, it was twice in this last episode that Derek was with Meredith but tuned her out to search for Addison, which is certainly a change from what we've seen recently. I'm hopeful that he's finally realized that he's been taking her for granted and is going to make more of an effort in his marriage.

Even before Addison showed up, I didn't think she and Derek had all that much of a relationship, and certainly not the makings of true love.

I didn't see much of the first season, but from what I remember, it was mostly Meredith telling Derek she wasn't going to date him, and then they'd somehow hop into bed together. I know there are people who say you can fall in love at first sight and maybe that's what this was (or they think it was), but they have *way* too many things they don't know about each other. I think Derek's picking of Addison was a reflection of that -- he was strongly attracted to Meredith, perhaps even believed he was in love with her -- but he was wary for a reason and went with the safe choice, or realized that for the long run, Addison was better for him. It might not have been a conscious choice, but rather a gut feeling.

It was mostly sexual, from what I remember, and if Derek didn't tell Meredith that he was married then how serious could he have been about her? I still can't really understand why Meredith forgave him for that omission, because that's a big secret to keep. I do think that Derek likes Meredith because she looks up to him and calls him McDreamy, which has to be flattering, especially after Addison's betrayal, but it just doesn't seem like enough to base an entire relationship on, or justify ending eleven years of marriage for.

Meredith doesn't have the best judgement (g), so I'm assuming her automatic forgival of McDreamy falls into that category. And yes, McDreamy is probably attracted by an intern who obviously adores and idolizes him and maybe he has the upper hand this time around. Something happened to make him 'indifferent' (ouch) to Addison and maybe Meredith is the anti-Addison. The other thing is, perhaps McDreamy recognizes he's being given a second chance and while he can't bring himself to apologize to Addison (prior to last week), he decides to start over again, maybe emphasizing those actions that he never did towards the latter part of his marriage with Addison (I'm assuming he must have been McDreamy towards her at least for the first part of the marriage -- it was only recently she cheated).

I think Derek saw some similarities between Meredith's sleeping with George and Addison's infidelity with Mark. Both of them had made a bad decision by sleeping with someone they shouldn't have, and in the process had hurt someone they cared very much about. I saw Derek's advice that Meredith keep apologizing to George until he was ready to listen to her as a recognition that that was what Addison had been doing with him, and he was finally ready to listen to her.

Yes, but I do still think he was hurt by Meredith's revelation. Though I'm still confused as to how he could still hold a torch for Meredith, knowing she *keeps* sleeping around -- hardly the epitome of love. Or what do I know? (g) For me, that would be a big turn-off, no matter how much I cared about a person, and it says something about the person too. Sure, Meredith is screwed up, and I think Derek recognizes that, but at some point he has to recognize her behavior puts him at risk.

Afterall, it was twice in this last episode that Derek was with Meredith but tuned her out to search for Addison, which is certainly a change from what we've seen recently. I'm hopeful that he's finally realized that he's been taking her for granted and is going to make more of an effort in his marriage.

I hope so. I thought his searching out of Addison when Meredith asked about Paris was incredibly hopeful, like he was already visualizing them reconstructing their marriage and starting all over again -- and he was looking forward to it. If that wasn't the case, he would have answered that remark and looked at *Meredith*, but he didn't do that. And it couldn't have been fear of Addison; she was up in the gallery, she couldn't hear what they were saying and he could have easily told Meredith he was hoping to take *her* to Paris and Addison would have been none the wiser (kind of like the dog-walking).

I'm hopeful about the episode description for tomorrow night. I did watch the Yahoo clips today and I'll leave it at that unless you've already seen them.

http://tv.yahoo.com/feature/greysanatomy.html

Aww, poor Addison. I feel bad for her, watching that clip. It has to suck to have people run away from you whenever you approach them, and I really hope the episode isn't going to be in that vein. I'd like to see Derek paying more attention to her!

I know there are people who say you can fall in love at first sight and maybe that's what this was (or they think it was), but they have *way* too many things they don't know about each other.

When I think about it, that's probably why I've never been that into Derek and Meredith's relationship, even before Addison showed up and I fell in love with her character. I don't believe in love at first sight--lust and infatuation, absolutely. But I believe that in order to truly be in love with someone, you need to have the emotional intimacy that comes with knowing someone for awhile and opening yourself up to each other. Derek and Meredith hadn't gotten anywhere near this point, and I really think that their relationship would have fizzled out if Addison hadn't shown up when she did. But because things with Meredith ended on a high note, Derek's having trouble letting go.

I'm assuming he must have been McDreamy towards her at least for the first part of the marriage -- it was only recently she cheated

Eleven years is a long time to be married, so yes, I agree that Derek must have been loving and attentive when he and Addison were first married. I could see Meredith putting up with being ignored because she seems very insecure about herself and the type to stay in a less than satisfactory relationship, but I can't imagine Addison would have married Derek if he'd been like that to her from the start. She's much more capable of being single, and if things end with Derek, she'll obviously be hurt and disappointed but I don't see her completely falling apart like Meredith did. Addison's a much stronger person than that, which I think might hurt her at times since she needs love and support and admiration just like anyone does but isn't as vocal about it. Her approach is so different from Meredith's--where Meredith said "pick me", Addison told Derek that she wanted to work things out but if he didn't think it was possible, she'd sign the divorce papers if he did. And I think she's hurting just as badly as Meredith, but because she doesn't make a big production out of it, Derek doesn't notice.

(no subject) - (Anonymous)   Expand  

First of all, I love how Addison knew he went to see Meredith and totally called him on it. That makes me happy in fic because it's something that's not happening on the show and it should.


Thanks! Addison isn't stupid, and Derek hasn't bothered to hide his feelings for Meredith and I just felt that enough was enough -- she *had* to say something.

Second of all, I hate Derek. Forever and always. He needs to make a decision and STICK TO IT and...klsdfdkg. I don't know.

I'm not sure that 'hate' is the right word for how I feel about him, but I'm certainly not respecting him right now. If he was actually *trying*, then yeah, maybe, but he's not even trying and that's kind of annoying in oh so many ways.

I do love this fic, though, just because Addison seems very...aware, and that's something I'm not getting from her on the show anymore.

I'm glad you liked it, and especially that I managed to show Addison knows what's going on. Because really, she can't be as obtuse as they're making her seem, or as clingy, or desperate.

ou should definitely write more. There's not enough well-written, realistic Addie/Derek fic in the world.

Thanks! I certainly intend to. This is a couple that's just very interesting and I'd love it if they actually had a chance at making it. That's something you don't see very often -- the hard work it takes to put a marriage back together after the trust is broken.

Oh, I hate him. I hate him because he never told Meredith he was married, which was incredibly mean, and he doesn't try with Addie, which is also incredibly mean, and he's just not a very good guy. Also, everyone else (well, the general Grey's-watching population, anyway) seems to adore him, so I feel like I should hate him, as I usually love and hate the opposite of what I'm supposed to. I am a fandom rebel like that. :p

Well, when you put it *that* way...

He's totally McDreamy, in that fantasy we women have, but he's selectively McDreamy, and I think people prefer to look at the way they *want* him to be based on an initial perception, versus how he actually *is*.

I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading this fic. :)

Thanks! I'm really glad you liked it.

ps -- Love your icon.